y blog who have moseyed over to my website and checked out the "Meet Audrey" page (oh, ok, I'll make it easy for you to check it out: Meet Audrey ), will know that I coin myself as an "obesity survivor" and "reformed binge eater." I once weighed 227.5 pounds (well, that was the highest weight I ever saw on the scale) and was a size 20/22. OK here's a picture:It wasn't the result of any medication I was taking (although I'm sure the antidepressants didn't help my cause), it wasn't a genetic disorder (although there is a little bit of overweight on my mom's side of the family), and it wasn't even an issue of monthly PMS cravings (although the many rounds of antibiotics I had to take for various dental issues over a couple of years may have tipped the balance of yeast vs bacteria in the favour of yeast, which can definitely turn you into a cookie monster).
No, it was none of those things. Simply put, I ate... and ate, and ate and ate. I started my days with coffee and donuts or on a good day, a muffin or bagel with butter. I often skipped lunch, or if I had lunch, it was something greasy from the cafeteria at work. Mmmm chicken fingers and fries, that was always my favourite. With plum sauce, mayo and ketchup for dipping. Oh, and of course with a Diet Coke to wash it all down (it was "Just for the taste of it!"). Being in a stressful high paced demanding corporate job, I did often skip lunch (not to mention would even put off going to the bathroom until my bladder was about to burst, there was just no time to waste!!! You KNOW something is out of balance if you can't even take time to pee.). So by mid afternoon, I'd be ready to eat my right hand. Since I needed it to type with, I would instead opt for a coffee, and a chocolate bar (or two). Finally, when it was time to go home, I'd have formulated which version of fast food I felt like for dinner (pizza? chinese? wings? McDonald's?), and what to get for snacks later (Zesty Cheese Doritos and Haagen-Dazs were big in my rotation). Oh and again, don't forget the Diet Coke. I remember when they had Vanilla Diet Coke on the market. That stuff was GOOD, it was like a vanilla float. I could easily drink 3 of those in a night to wash down all the junk food. So I would put on my favourite reality tv shows, tune out the world and my worries, and have a little party for one. This was probably easily at least a twice weekly (maybe 3 times?) ritual.
I may have been self-medicating to deal with some buried (and not so buried) emotional traumas. But at some point, whatever started me on that downward spiral was no longer the driving reason that I continued. At some point, the food addiction took over and I got stuck. I tried to think my way out of it, to find the reason I couldn't seem to get a handle on my food intake. I sought counselling. I worked on my "stuff." And somehow I got more and more depressed and more and more stuck.
Obviously I found my way out. I share a little about that process on my "Meet Audrey" page on my website. It's been a long, slow journey, with many lonnnnnng plateaus. And really, I'm still working on it... all in good time. If I've learned anything, it's to honour the needs of my body, and my Self, and to trust in myself enough that I can have patience to let it take the time it needs to take. I've never had one of those giant "change your life in an instant" Aha! moments. It's been a series of little "Ohhhhhhhh's" and "Hmmmm, interesting's" that have all added up, so that when I look back now, I can recognize that I've in fact made real changes, and that I myself am a different person. I'm not stuck anymore. I'm amazed how much changing your diet and lifestyle can act as a catalyst to open you up in mind and spirit as well.
BUT enough about all that. My point today was to tell you about the New Binge. In this "post-obesity" life of mine, among other revelations, I've recognized that old habits die hard. I trained my brain to make those tv-and-binge-night connections strong and resistant to any wonderfulness that Kale Chips might be able to deliver. So occasionally, the urge to binge does still come over me. Usually it's when things have gotten very stressful and I'm anxiety-ridden. Often times, it's simply when I've got a great line-up of Must See TV to catch up on on my PVR. Earlier this year, in fact, going through a particularly stressful time in my life, the Zesty Cheese Doritos and Haagen-Dazs got me again and I even gained about 12 pounds over the winter and spring. Finally I'd had enough and I gave myself a good talking to. "Hood," I said (that's what I call myself when I'm talking in my head), "You're back in the stuck place. You started this because of stress and anxiety, and now the addictive components of these foods have got you hooked again. It's time to start walking the talk, and use your own strategies on yourself and get out of this mucky place." It wasn't easy, but I did it. I used my own strategies (which I cover in my "Inspire Yourself!" workshop this Thursday, Sept 24!) and I re-released those 12 pounds, and broke the allure of the junk food. This is not something I'll ever be "cured" of. It's something I have learned over the years to manage, to the tune of keeping me in that small group of 5% of people who successfully keep off 30+ pounds for 5+ years. I'm pretty proud of that.
SO, last night, after a trip to my favourite store (Whole Foods in Oakville), where I had stocked up on lots of nutritilicious fruits, veggies, whole grains, and some no-antibiotic/no-hormone chicken and fish, I settled in to watch the Emmy's (it seems I'm really on the minority side of people who don't get why 30 Rock is so amazing, aside from the most amazing Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin). And, I wanted something snacky. And something sweet. Uh oh. I should mention at this point that while I don't buy or keep in my house those trigger foods like the Doritos and the Haagen-Dazs, in my condo building there happens to be a vending machine downstairs. And it has Doritos, and Peanut Butter Cups, and a smorgasbord of my old junk food party foods. So what did I do?
Well, first I sat myself down and I said "Hood, what's up? You just came back from Whole Foods where you found all these amazing delicious WHOLE natural foods and have a fridge and pantry stock full of fabulous options. Why are you thinking about Doritos?" Well, I didn't know why, other than that my "Watching TV at night and wanting to unwind" old habits were associated with junk food, and so driving me to want that, even though I no longer prefer those foods. So I said "OK Hood, you can have it if you want it. But let's play this out. If you eat it, how are you going to feel after?" My answer to myself: "Like crap. Disappointed in myself. Bloated. Zombie-brained. I'll probably sleep terribly. I'll wake up full of regret." So my next question to myself was "OK, and what if you don't eat that crap, but find something you have in the house to have as a snack? Then how will you feel?" And my answer: "I'll feel the same as I do now (steady energy, mentally sharp and alert, no "grumblies" in the "lower belly"), but less hungry. I'll feel in control, I'll feel peace of mind for not eating junk food, I'll wake up feeling motivated to eat healthfully and will know my workout tomorrow will not be just to make up for today but will actually move me forward. I'll sleep better. And I'll feel good about nourishing my body."
So, the verdict? What did I end up doing? Case closed. I put away the loonies and twonies. And I wish I'd taken a picture but I didn't realize I'd end up blogging about this (or how long this blog post would be! If you're still with me, thanks for reading!). Here's what I had:
- small bowl of Organic Blue Corn tortilla chips with organic salsa
- small (about the size of 2 dominos) piece of raw milk gruyere cheese
- about 10 Raincoast Crisp whole grain crackers (fig & olive) with some organic red pepper jelly and the aforementioned cheese
- small single serving (about 1/3 cup) of creme brulee (my favourite dessert in the world, which I had purchased at the prepared baked goods counter at Whole Foods)
- sparkling mineral water with fresh squeezed lime
So no, I don't think that was a binge at all (I might add too that my dinner was just one very small piece of chicken and about 1/8 of a cup of couscous so that food was not really on top of a big meal, but perhaps to supplement a small one). And, what I'm most pleased about is that my choices did not lead me to want more, and more and more. I had good quality WHOLE foods, with healthful nourishing ingredients, including a good dose of healthy fats and whole grain carbs (and some protein in the cheese). My body was FED, so I'm not left looking for something else to fill a gap in nutrients. And my spirit was FED so I'm not left looking for something else to fill up the lack that deprivation based diets would have created.
So, thanks for reading this "confession" of a former binger. I hope in the reading you might have taken away a little something... about how food really does change your brain, and about the very key role your MIND plays in changing your lifestyle (and maybe your life as a result)... And maybe a little inspiration and reminder that if someone who was as stuck and lost and mired as me can make this happen, no matter how stuck or lost or mired you're feeling, you too CAN make this happen. (((((HUGS & PATS ON THE BACK & CHEERS TO YOU ALL)))))
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